When was the last time you saw Superman trolling on Twitter (aka: "X")?
Our criticisms reveal more about our own inner worlds than they do about those we criticize. Sure, while superheroes in our favourite shows may pass a kind of judgement on an individual and decide to put an end to that individual's hurtful behaviour, they are never found hanging out in coffee shops gossiping, or posting their harsh opinions of others on social media only to gain … what? Agreement? Approval? Of course not - their strength comes from their innate super powers - their inner self esteem - which allows them to put aside the personal for a greater good.
Years ago, as a child, I was playing tag in our cul-de-sac with the neighbourhood kids. (During a time when parents let their children roam free, the neighbourhood kids gathered in groups, establishing our own hierarchy, creating games, and finding our way in our own version of community). On this typical summer day, one of the boys started calling me names. I was deeply hurt and embarrassed. I have a vivid memory of marching away down the street toward my home, chanting to myself, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”
I don’t even know where I learned this mantra, but even with it in my toolbox, I still felt the painful effect of that boy's sharp words. Even today, this memory plays out in my mind when I am the recipient of others’ criticisms, judgments and harsh words. I bet that you, like me, have felt the sting of each hurtful mean syllable that may have been thrown at you over the years. (And, honestly, I have also been a perpetrator in such interactions). So... what to do?
Recently, I listened to a compelling podcast with Simon Sinek (founder of The Optimism Company), who was interviewing President Joe Biden. They discussed the value of community, of 'leaning in', and of knowing others more intimately. Yet, with so much of life being lived 'remotely' these days, our society is tending to become more separated, and many individuals are feeling more estranged from one another. Sinek and Biden concluded that perhaps it is not our political leaders and the people who advise them who are having the greatest impact on people anymore. Rather, they suggested, it may be the hateful words projected during election proceedings that are setting an example of, 'your neighbour is your enemy'. And so, the walls of division grow.
I believe that a powerful shift comes when we learn to see criticism as merely information. Perhaps that boy in the cul-de-sac was projecting his own insecurities, fears of inadequacy, or his own sense of exclusion onto me. What if I considered that, rather than taking it personally? Patterns follow us through our days unless we are willing to reflect deeply on the unhealed wounds of our pasts. As the recipients of negativity, we can choose to see the pain and fear behind the attack, or we can choose to own it for ourselves. Ultimately, it is up to each one of us to choose wisely in order to make a difference and become the examples that change the pattern,
Harsh words do tend to trickle in, however. When they do, I take a breath before responding, thus creating some space between the trigger and my reaction. I also consider the other person in the interaction. What might their criticism be teaching me about their possible personal struggles? If a particular criticism strikes a chord in me and my own insecurities, I can breathe into that feeling and offer myself some compassion. In the end, I can choose a response that breaks the cycle of projection. One option might be to simply to repeat back what I hear: "I hear how angry you are about this. What is really troubling you?” This is one way an opening might be created for more genuine dialogue.
Superheroes embody leadership and are admired by the community. They inspire through their willingness to put others’ needs first. Their strategic thinking and team coordination make them exceptional in crises. They symbolize what is possible. (It’s a rare moment when anyone walks out of a theatre wishing they could be more like Batman villains such as The Joker or The Riddler).
We each have the capacity to create something powerful: a world where differences don't trigger defensiveness, but invite curiosity and genuine conversation. Imagine a world where political opponents can disagree without demonizing each other, and where criticism becomes a doorway to understanding, rather than being a weapon.
My childhood experience taught me more than I knew. Sometimes I might carry the weight of others' projections, but I have also learned that roles can evolve and games can have new rules. We can create better ways of being together. Perhaps it's time to teach ourselves - and each other - a new game, one where curiosity defeats projection and where the goal isn't to hurt, but to heal.